introspection

I’ve experienced a lot in my eighteen years, but it seems that the one thing that most defines me is something that I myself had no control over. Something I wasn’t even aware of until about halfway through my life.

I was ten years old. I remember my parents coming home from the hospital, and we were waiting in the front room to hear the news. I remember looking out the window with my siblings and seeing my mom hug a neighbor she had never gotten along with. That’s when I knew what she was going to tell us. Regardless, I tried to be optimistic. I kept my three younger siblings’ spirits up- joking and playing with them until my parents came into the house to tell us that our brother was brain dead.

A few weeks later, I had to give a speech at my fifth grade graduation. My eyes were clouding up by the end of it and everyone assumed it was because of my brother. It wasn’t, I was just terrified of public speaking. It wasn’t even five minutes before I was eating goldfish crackers and laughing with the rest of my friends.

Those masks you see painted in drama rooms- the masks of comedy and tragedy- are just mirror images of one another.  I’m sure you’ve seen people laugh so hard they cry…well, it works the other way, too.

Grief comes out in strange ways. I’ve seen people laugh their way through a funeral and I can understand why. Sometimes you just become numb to feeling a certain way. Those emotions don’t disappear, they just get diverted.

Tears become laughter, and there’s not much you can do about it. But at least you’re feeling something. At least you don’t shut down completely. Eventually, we are all able to process and move on; but you can expect there to be bumps along the way.

I’m the type of person who will be fine with the death of a loved one a few days after it happens- I suck it up and move on. Yet, certain scenes in movies and TV shows make me well up.  It might not make sense, it might even be seen as insensitive, but that’s just how I am. I’m not going to overthink it; I just accept it as fact.

I’ve learned not to question these things.