knowing

just because we're friends doesn't mean you can ignore this.


I don't want to hear it...because by now I think I know what you'll say.
but I need to hear it, because there will always be a part of me that wonders "what if?"


what if you really did like me, but were afraid to say anything?
what if we could have been happy, but we wasted it...?


and what if I'm deluding myself and I should just give up and move on?


I don't know. I might never know....and that's whats killing me.


not knowing.


you know where I stand, and you've had plenty of time to think this over.


do you even care enough to acknowledge that? or do you plan on ignoring this, hoping is goes away on its own? 


it won't.


I'll always be waiting in the wings, wishing. but letting you live your life anyway....

 not wanting to ruin whatever happiness you find for yourself.


 there's a part of me...a big part...that wants stand up and say "you've had five months. time's up."
and take the situation into my own hands...


but I'm not that person.
the problem is, neither of us is that kind of person.


we'll probably both end up alone 50 years from now because we're too cowardly to do anything about it.


but knowing that doesn't fix anything.

Genie

I had a dream last night that there was a genie in my closet.

no, not that kind of genie.

this was an advanced genie, because he was allowed to offer more than three wishes.


I asked him, "how many?"


"Make a list. If there are too many, I'll ask you to narrow it down."


So of course, I got some paper and went right to work. Who gives up the chance to have anything they ever wanted?


My list was something like this:


-A million dollars a year, so my family can finally afford everything that goes along with being a family of 9, my dad doesn't have to work another day in his life, my brother never has to worry about having enough money to buy insulin for his diabetes, and us older kids can all go to college without going into debt.


-my license. seriously, this is getting old.


-a car. preferably fast...one that is way more expensive than my meager $2800 car fund can handle


-A house big enough for us all to have our own rooms; mine with enough room for a king-size bed, 80 inch HD TV, an artist studio, a music corner, and a walk-in closet with my brand-new amazing wardrobe in it (might as well dream big)


(this is where my list started to get odd...who knew my subconscious was so unhappy??)


-Be magically 20 pounds lighter. I like food too much to go on a diet :P


-Eye surgery. These glasses are killing my spirit. (I specifically remember dreaming that exact line)


-Knowledge. Not some kind of dumb "I wish I knew everything so I didn't have to finish high school or go to college and I could be the smartest person on earth" wish. I mean...this is kind hard to explain. I would say I wished ****** would like me, but it would be dumb knowing he didn't actually like me, he was wished into it. I guess I wish...I knew what exactly was going on in that ridiculously annoying brain of his. I told him I like him about 3 and a half months ago, is a simple "No, I don't like you like that, can we just be friends?" too much to ask? (though I wouldn't be happy about it) but, no...he's just gonna act the same as always and drive me crazy for the rest of my life with all the not knowing. It sucks. Being able to read his mind would be nice. Yeah, I'll wish for that. (WOW. I'm more crazy than I thought...this was a really long wish. hope I didn't confuse poor Mr. Genie)


-More...confidence? I guess that's the correct term for it. I hate myself. (Again, wow. lovely little emo dreams I'm having. my subconscious is really trying to tell my something (obviously)) 


Well there you have it. All I remember about the rest of the dream was trying to convince the genie that I wasn't actually crazy.


He laughed at me. And then I woke up.


How depressing.


At least I know my dreams are good for entertainment later.

one more year

I am not at all sad to bid farewell to 2010.


sure, it had its good moments, but it was packed with way too many things I wish could have happened differently.


There are certainly things I'm gonna learn to let go of, and a few other things I'm going to really go after this year- I'm not letting this slip through my fingers.


I've never really been one for New Years resolutions, but I have a few for 2011:


1- get my license and a car (finally)


2- learn how to be on my own- I'm graduating from high school (and simultaneously from community college) this year, and I don't think I'm ready for the real world quite yet...


3- understand myself better- I thought I knew what I wanted, but everything has gotten very complicated lately, and I have no idea what I'm doing anymore.


4- I know everyone says this, but I really want to lose 15 pounds.


5- this one's a secret. but I know it, and that's what matters :P




So there you have it, my demands...I mean goals for 2011.

oh, and I really want Lady Gaga to go away. That would make my year :P