Regression

If any of you've noticed, I haven't posted in a while.


Mostly that's because of school. It's been really weird getting into the swing of college jank. It's not like I'm even taking hard classes- I'm mostly in art courses because I don't need any more GenEd- but I just can't seem to stop procrastinating. I make everything so much harder for myself than it really has to be.

But even if I hadn't been so busy with projects, I probably wouldn't have posted these last few months. For some reason I can't stop feeling so darn apathetic about everything. People annoy me. School is just a distraction. I basically have no life at all and frankly it disturbs me how much this doesn't bother me.


I'm not really sure what's going on. Is this depression? Because I thought I was done with that. Last year was pretty awful and I worked through it and things were going fine. At least I thought so.

Now...I don't even know.

Don't get me wrong- I am happy sporadically. I see what few friends I've managed to keep every once in a while and I can laugh along and watch movies and have dinner at awesome restaurants and feel normal sometimes. It just doesn't seem to last. And I can't fix it.


It's like I'm literally incapable of being like everyone else.

Not that whole notion of "normal" people try to pretend actually exists; but just the ordinary, day-to-day interactions and obligations of any average functioning human are just impossible to me. I can't seem to act right in any sort of social situation. I don't stand up for myself enough. I'm just....not at all how I want to be, and I don't know what to do about it.

I wish I could move out, Get some semblance of "starting over". What little money I make at the job I hate with every fiber of my being goes right back into car insurance, food, art supplies, and other random essentials. I just feel stuck.

I live for escapism.

Overwhelmed

"There's a light at each end of this tunnel, you shout
'Cause you're just as far in as you'll ever be out
These mistakes you've made, you'll just make them again
If you only try turning around.

2 AM and I'm still awake, writing a song
If I get it all down on paper, its no longer
Inside of me, threatening the life it belongs to
And I feel like I'm naked in front of the crowd
Cause these words are my diary, screaming out loud
And I know that you'll use them, however you want to

Cause you can't jump the track, we're like cars on a cable,
And life's like an hourglass, glued to the table
No one can find the rewind button now
Sing it if you understand.
And breathe, just breathe...."

Where were you?

Life is short.
Rule #32: Enjoy the Little Things.

introspection

I’ve experienced a lot in my eighteen years, but it seems that the one thing that most defines me is something that I myself had no control over. Something I wasn’t even aware of until about halfway through my life.

I was ten years old. I remember my parents coming home from the hospital, and we were waiting in the front room to hear the news. I remember looking out the window with my siblings and seeing my mom hug a neighbor she had never gotten along with. That’s when I knew what she was going to tell us. Regardless, I tried to be optimistic. I kept my three younger siblings’ spirits up- joking and playing with them until my parents came into the house to tell us that our brother was brain dead.

A few weeks later, I had to give a speech at my fifth grade graduation. My eyes were clouding up by the end of it and everyone assumed it was because of my brother. It wasn’t, I was just terrified of public speaking. It wasn’t even five minutes before I was eating goldfish crackers and laughing with the rest of my friends.

Those masks you see painted in drama rooms- the masks of comedy and tragedy- are just mirror images of one another.  I’m sure you’ve seen people laugh so hard they cry…well, it works the other way, too.

Grief comes out in strange ways. I’ve seen people laugh their way through a funeral and I can understand why. Sometimes you just become numb to feeling a certain way. Those emotions don’t disappear, they just get diverted.

Tears become laughter, and there’s not much you can do about it. But at least you’re feeling something. At least you don’t shut down completely. Eventually, we are all able to process and move on; but you can expect there to be bumps along the way.

I’m the type of person who will be fine with the death of a loved one a few days after it happens- I suck it up and move on. Yet, certain scenes in movies and TV shows make me well up.  It might not make sense, it might even be seen as insensitive, but that’s just how I am. I’m not going to overthink it; I just accept it as fact.

I’ve learned not to question these things.

some explanation

I just realized that I never finished the Ryan Story. 
So now I'm going to. Because I've had some inspiration recently. 
And I feel like I need to get all of this out so I can move on.

I have this issue.

Well, it's actually not an issue to me, but everyone and their mother keeps trying to convince me it is. Like there's something wrong with me.

Being an introvert is not a medical disorder. It's just me.

I don't make friends easily, so when I do, it means something.

I'm a very solitary person. I don't need to have someone to talk to 24/7. I don't need a network of hundreds of friends to feel popular.

I guess Emily-chan said it best in her recent post:

"I like people. Sometimes. I like talking and laughing and having a good time, but when push comes to shove, I'm always a little relieved when I'm able to be alone again.

As with anything, there are exceptions to my rule. A few people over the years have been able to connect with me in a wow, that clicks way, but they're few and far between. People who I wouldn't mind hanging out with all the time. Unfortunately, I can count all of them on one hand and everyone else just seems to fall into a category of 'I really can't be bothered keeping this friendship up'.


And so I pull back. Because it's just easier that way. I don't need people to define me, I don't need people to entertain me, I don't need people to make me happy."

I'm not trying to sound like a loner, or a hermit, or whatever you want to call me. That's just how I am. When I meet someone, it takes me a while to trust them. If I come to find that an impossibility, I go back to polite nods from across the room. I don't need excess drama in my life.

So, a boy named Ryan and his family moves to town. We become friends. He starts to like me.

We're friends, and he's trying to make things complicated. I know this can't end well. I don't like him that way....Nevertheless, I stupidly agreed to date the boy who (for some strange reason) likes me. I just figured "he's my friend, what can it hurt?" I admit, there also may have been a bit of "let's get this first boyfriend thing out of the way" in there too.

I made it all of eleven days before I couldn't take it anymore. I just couldn't let myself mess with his feelings like that, like I was leading him along or something. I can't hurt a friend that way.

This dating thing happened two years ago, but he still likes me, I know he does, even if I don't understand why. I was too much of a coward to even dump him to his face, so I did it by Facebook, but I told him that we could still be friends. Which, as it turns out, is extremely difficult.

When my birthday rolled around last week, I stupidly decided to have some sort of party because 'I only turn 18 once', yeah? I should have known what would happen. 

Out of the ten people I invited (it was surprisingly difficult to scrape together that many people I could stand to be around for more than five minutes), two showed up. One of which was Ryan. 

You may be wondering "why did you even invite him?" Well, I'll tell you. 'He's my friend'. That's what I kept trying to convince myself. That we could be friends. 

The whole time he was being...difficult. Lots of (failing to be) inconspicuous flirting and all of that crap. When I was trying to win something from a claw machine in the arcade, he said "I got you a stuffed Elmo from one of these, remember?" Yeah. Thanks for the reminder. I think he's currently shoved underneath my bed.

He made it extremely awkward and I could tell Rachel (one of my few really good friends) felt bad for me.

After Rachel left, me and Ryan walked to the parking lot together. When we got outside, he said "Well, I'll see you later" with a smirk in his voice as he sauntered over to his moped, trying to look cool.

"Goodbye, Ryan" I called over my shoulder, not looking back as I got into my car, slammed the door and sped out of there. And I meant it. That was goodbye. I can't pretend that we can be "just" friends anymore when he is determined not to let that happen.

So we won't be friends. He'll just be another person I walk by without really seeing. I don't need any friendship bad enough to make myself miserable.

at last I am born

"I once used to chase affection withdrawn

But now I just sit back and yawn 
Because I am born..."


It feels good. Not dwelling on him anymore.
I still like him, of course. That probably won't go away for a while...
But he's my friend, and I'm happy if he's happy.

"I once thought that time accentuates despair
But now I don’t actually care
Because I am born..."

The longer everything went on, the worse it seemed to get.
But it was all in my head. It's crazy how you can trick yourself into being miserable.
Being happy is easier.

"I once thought I had numerous reasons to cry
And I did, but I don’t anymore

Because I am born..."

I'm not going to let stupid things ruin my life.

I'm moving on, moving forward. 

Honestly, I haven't felt this good in ages.

"It took me a long, long time
But now I am born
I once was a mess of guilt because of the flesh
It’s remarkable what you can learn
Once you are born"

Look at me now.

No more looking back.

I’ll be fine.

"At Last I Am Born" by Morrisey

mid-year resolutions

Well, I turned 18 yesterday.


And while I was wasting the day away on movies, ice cream, and such, I realized how much fun it was to actually be doing something for once. I've been couped-up in my house for far too long.


As I was driving around, eating popcorn, and laughing at all of the crazy stuff in the local oriental store, I started to feel more like myself again. And it was nice.


Seventeen was a ridiculous year for me. Lots of ups, but a whole crapload of downs to go with it.
I've had a blast with my last seasons of marching band and drumline, I've lost friends through stupid misunderstandings, I've graduated from high school with a college degree, and I've suffered through what I'm pretty sure was atypical depression.
For the last few months, I've been alternating between my extreme hate of the world and my extreme hate of myself.


And I'm tired of it. Yesterday was the first time that everything seemed okay again. I wasn't worrying about college or what I'll do after I graduate, I wasn't worrying about getting a job and finally moving out, I wasn't worrying about anything.


I just was.


So for now, I'm resolving to start over. From today forward, I won't be the person that's taken over my life for so long. I'm going to enjoy living, because so many people don't get to. So many people die before they've ever really lived, so why should I waste the time I've been given?
I won't forget about the bad things that have happened in my life, but I'm learning to accept them and move on. If I can't change it, why worry about it?


When I start school in three weeks, I'll be better than I've been. I'll be happier, I'll meet new people and try new things, and just live . 
Seventeen can go shrivel up in a corner and die for all I care.

Eighteen's going to be great. Because I said so.

falling

"Another silly, meaningless earth saying involves the assertion that people can “fall” into love. The difficulty here is that falling implies something inevitable, something outside the conscious control of those involved. This comparison simply does not apply. There has never been a case where someone was forced into the condition of love. Forced into a relationship, perhaps, that may have resulted in amorous feelings, but never forced into the emotion itself. You can push someone off a cliff, but you can’t really push them into a willing embrace with another person. I mean, the willing part sort of negates all that in the first place, doesn’t it?

Will.

Humans tend to prattle on about free will, especially with regard to people using it to go against societal norms. As if that’s a bad thing. As if societal norms, morals, what have you, aren’t just stupid human created concepts in the first place. Really, it’s a very Earth-centric view; not at all politically correct. It’s the nature of time and the universe and multiple universe theory and Schrödinger kittens and, well, everything that was and everything that ever will be, to have options. Options are something you get a feeling for if you can see all the different possibilities spiralling outward in a giant, chaotic pinwheel of potentiality from every moment of existence. And options, of course, imply choices.


Look, if you’ve got three-quarters of an hour for lunch and you’re in the middle of London, circa early twenty-first century, and you’ve got a tenner in your pocket and there’s a fish and chips shop right across from a pub, and yeah, you like chips, but you could really go for a ploughman’s, but maybe that’ll take too long and you’ll be late getting back to your cramped little cubicle, though you’d really rather be just about anywhere else, but you’ve got to make a decision fast or you’ll have wasted too much time and the choice will have been made for you, which really means that you’ve made a choice anyways, and…oh, hang it. The point is, every moment there’s a choice. Every moment, there’s a distinct possibility that where your life was headed to when you dragged your sorry frame out of bed that morning is nowhere near where it’s going to end up that evening when you lay down to sleep. Maybe, it’s as simple as choosing chips over a ploughman’s, and maybe you get run over by a reckless lorry driver on your way across the street. Choices. Possibilities. Options. Free will.


There’s nothing accidental or inevitable about it. You can jump off that cliff. You can tarry too long near the edge (even though you know it’s dangerous) until the darn thing collapses beneath you. You can let go the stranglehold you have on the edge because you’re just too tired to hold yourself up anymore. But you don’t just fall off..."


-Becky (aka ZephyrHawk) at http://www.whofic.com/

summertime, and the living is lousy

I've decided that this has been my worst summer yet.


The few friends I have are out living their lives- partying or vacationing all the time. And here I sit, in the same place as every other night, wishing my life was different.

I sleep, I read, I listen to music, I watch Doctor Who.

All some of my favorite activities.

But they are definitely not as enjoyable when you're aware that this is basically the only option you have for entertainment.

Being cooped up with my family 24 hours a day is driving me crazy. I miss seeing people everyday.
I miss him. But I have no right to.

When did my life get completely off track?

" Tonight is the one thing left
and I haven't said it yet, I'm falling.
And the writing's on the wall.

Today was misery
and I just can't believe this happened.
I finally broke down...
Now my only star is falling
Its burning to the ground.

Secret love, my escape,
take me far, far away.
Secret love, are you there?
Will you answer my prayer?
Please take me anywhere but here...
Anywhere but here.

You're all I've got right now.
No one else figures out this feeling
and how lonely it can get.
These words can cut right through,
cause all along I knew you were sorry,
but you haven't said it yet. "


-Anywhere but Here (Mayday Parade)

featureless bliss

"If God reached down and touched man on the forehead and made him perfect, what would life on earth be like? No sadness, so no joy. No tears, no smiles. No pain, no relief. No bondage, no freedom. No failure, no triumph. No rudeness, no courtesy. No bigotry, no tolerance. No despair, no exultation. No sin and certainly no redemption. It would simply create a paradise of featureless bliss here on earth, which would make His heavenly kingdom somewhat redundant. And that is not the point of it all. So, man must have his choice, until God calls him home."


- Frederick Forsyth
adapted from a passage in The Phantom of Manhattan

better than I was

"I keep going around in circles.

This is complicated…

Hopes and dreams don’t get you anywhere

I’m still stuck in this hole

Never thought I would end up like this

Knowing only makes it worse

I’m waiting, but things might never change

Maybe this is just a faze…

Guilt.  I’m only making this worse

One by one the days go by…

I sometimes wish I could forget

Nothing is getting easier

Glowing embers of what I hoped slowly flicker out

Chances are that I’ll be the odd one out

Random “hi”s and half smiles make me feel worse

Am I the one to blame?

Zero. I’m still nothing.

You are running through my head…again."

(I wrote this in september last year...it's amazing how a few months can completely change your perspective.)

friends?

The last few days have been nice.


I got to hang out with two of my favorite people in the world for a whole afternoon, and it was lovely. Possibly one of the best days ever.


We watched an old Disney classic, ate some fantastic enchiladas, and you helped me build the theme park from hell to trap all of our unsuspecting guests in that awesome game.


We talked and laughed, you offered to get my drink for me at dinner, and everything went great (I have to send a big thank-you to your sister for being awesome and letting me hang out with you for a while).


I haven't gotten to see you much at school, but I expected that. But it's good to know that whenever I pass you in the hall you'll always smile. It may seem like a small gesture, but its nice.


We had a lovely five-minute conversation via Facebook today about nothing really, but it's cool just to be able to talk to you without any weirdness.


Let's hope this lasts.

still here

Do you realize you’ve turned my world around?

Nothing is how it once was.

Every time I think about the way things could be

It gets me wishing, hoping, screaming…but I never win.

I’ve been here for far too long, 

thinking I would get what I’ve been dreaming…

There’s nothing I can say or do,

I want to give up, but I can’t get over you.

I’ll never fix myself.

I’m a mess, but I just don't care.

I used to be better than this…

being mature

turns out, I'm not so good at it.


I decided years ago that I wasn't going to prom unless he someone asked me.
sure, I could go with a group of my friends, who needs a date?


but I didn't really want to go at all.


but if some guy was crazy enough to ask me, I would go.


He didn't ask me. No one asked me.


I expected it.
I'm not disappointed.
I didn't want to go.


When I heard that he had asked her to go with him, I accepted it.


They're just going as friends.


He's known her longer than me.


He probably knew going to prom wasn't high on my list of priorities.


Regardless of the reason, I had accepted it. I was going to be mature about this.
Heck, she's my friend, too. I knew there was nothing going on with them.


When it started to rain that day, I laughed.


"All those kids out there trying to get pictures and get to prom without getting wet. Ha. I'm so glad I'm not going."


Anything to make me feel better.


I don't regret missing prom, but I know I'll regret not getting to go with you. 


Maybe I should have asked him....


But After Prom was fun. Weird, ridiculous, pointless, yes. But fun anyway.


When I passed you two in the hall together, I put on my good-friend face and said "hey guys!" and just kept walking. Mature. I'm being mature about this.


Everything was fine.


I got home last night this morning exhausted, and when I woke we had some family bonding over Wii gaming. Everything is fine.


Facebook. Every teen's lifeline. I thought I was braced for the onslaught of obnoxious prom-related statuses and pictures flooding my news feed.


But as I was aimlessly flipping through pictures of my friends in fancy tuxes and ridiculously poofy dresses....


...there it was. A picture that shouldn't bother me so much, but it does.


You and her, slow-dancing. A complete harmless activity between two friends.


But seeing your arms wrapped around her....I'm not mature enough for that.


I don't know how much longer I can take this.


Maybe I just need to grow up.


edit:
Good thing I have such amazing friends to make me feel better...

Music, much like life, can be a series of choices

I just got back from my last drumline competition of high school.
I'll definitely miss it, even more than marching band in some ways...


This weekend was definitely one of the best experiences of my life, even though we didn't medal.


[Before we left, everyone was hugging the seniors....
after I hugged your sister goodbye,
there was an awkward pause where she decided to say
"Come on, guys. Hug." (I'll have to remember to thank her for saying that)


Cue short awkward silence.
Nervous laughs.


Me to her- "Are you going to make me?"


Her- "Maybe. You should do it anyway.


Me-"Fine"


Awkward one-armed hug.


You- "That was the best forced hug ever."


More like "Best hug ever. Period."]


I'm too high on happiness, Airheads and Monster to write anything else tonight...
Until the morrow, blogger.


Peace.

all the difference

We finally had our marching band banquet tonight, even though the season ended in November....
(Our show this year was based around Robert Frost's poem "The Road Not Taken", which has always been one of my favorites). We got to meet back up with our friends, watch a video of our amazing season, and give/get awards to/from our sections.


It's really weird to think that I'll never be in band again, since my college doesn't have a marching band. I still have these last two drumline competitions, and then I'll probably never play another marimba in my entire life. I'll have to buy one for myself when I get a job...


The strangest part is knowing that what was a huge chunk of my life for the past five years will just be...gone. I've made a lot of really good friends from marching band, had tons of fun, and made some ridiculous memories.


But it's sad to see how movies and television portray marching bands...they're always really dorky, and for some reason wear their uniforms and play their instruments while walking around school...it's insane. No one I've met in our band is anything like those characters. They are some of the most hard-working, caring, supportive, hilarious, and random people in the world. 
They are just awesome. Every single one of them.


I know I'll miss the long bus rides, inside jokes, late nights, early mornings, energy drinks, spontaneous heart-felt moments, and everything else that went along with it. I wouldn't trade those experiences for anything.

the opposite of depression

we had a lovely conversation today. it was nice to talk to you without completely freaking out for once. 


all I have to do is trick my brain into thinking that you're just like everyone else. it works for a few minutes at least...


and you said you liked my haircut. 


yours was the only approval I needed.

we fly over the skyline

once again I find myself obsessively listening to this song....if only more people knew about this band.

they have the talent that most bands don't these days, but they don't get credit for it.

stop standing there

Sometimes it's scary how well music captures my life...

______________________________


"You're just standing by
You're just wasting time
Why don't you just tell me the truth 
about me and you?

And as the time goes by
I hope you realize
If you ask me to
I just might be with you

So don't waste another day
Don't waste another minute
I cannot wait to see your face
Just to show you how much I meant it


So open up your heart,
Help me understand
Please tell me who you are
So I could show you who I am

Stop Standing there, standing there
And stop acting like you don't care
And stop being scared, being scared
Stop acting like you don't care...."


-Avril Lavigne

in my head

just so you know, I spend a major portion of my day thinking about you.
this is probably getting a little out of hand.


to you, I'm probably just a friend of your sister's, someone you talk to randomly about nothing of importance.


but to me, you're one of my closest friends.


I live for our five minute conversations. anything to see your smile and hear your laugh.


but that's as good as it gets these days.


so for now I'll just sit here waiting for you to get online,
so I can open the chat box and stare at the empty window, trying to think of what to say to you...


until that little green circle turns gray, and I've missed my chance again.

(no subject)

Yeah, I've made mistakes.

I could have worded things better; I could have kept my mouth shut completely.
But I can't be the quiet one forever.

I'm not a saint. I never said I was. I'm as good, or bad, as everyone else.
The only difference is: when I make a mistake, it gets pointed out and brought up again and again, because big mistakes are few and far between for me.

But I try anyway, even when everything sucks. 
Sometimes you just have to get over it.

"I thought I knew you. I thought we were friends."

Yeah, we were. But what kind of friendship can we possibly have when I feel like I'm always walking on eggshells around you?

You're not the only person in the world who's had a hard life. 
You're not the only one with emotions.

You're not the only one who can decide to just give up.
What's the point? It's not worth it anymore.

We’ve both said things we probably shouldn’t have,
 but you’ve said things that are completely untrue and unforgivable.

This was inevitable.
We have completely different personalities, completely different views on the world, and we’re probably both more than a little unstable. Our friendship was a fluke in the first place.
Frankly, I’m surprised we made it this long.

Standing on the outside, I can see how fake you are. I don’t get how I never noticed before.

Don't expect me to come crawling back to you weeks from now. This was not my fault, and I can’t handle your crap anymore.

And yeah, this situation will make things at school more difficult…
But I’d rather deal with that than deal with you.

Everything I said became a personal insult to you…and if that is how you want to live your life, then have fun. Keep taking offense at things, even the things that aren't offensive.

Stop trying to make excuses for yourself. 
You’re always saying that people think of you a certain way…but don’t try to live up to their expectations. Make a new name for yourself.

But everyone can have their own opinions, even me.


It's not always about you.

I hope someday you'll realize that.


The past is the past, and you can't change it. So why try? All you can do is move on and try to overcome the obstacles, just like everyone else.

Live.

Maybe you'll find that not everyone is out to get you.

hungover

I read websites like "Texts From Last Night" and I might laugh at first, but thinking about those people's lives later makes me feel bad for them.
It makes it more obvious that I'm a lot different from most people around my age.


I'm never going to be one of those people who spends their weekends out partying with 200 of their closest friends.


I really just don't understand how people can drown themselves in vodka or beer or whatever else, wake up with their head in a toilet and still feel good about themselves. Please enlighten me.


I hear my friends talking about their College Bucket Lists, and to be honest, most of the things on there sicken me.


How did I end up so out of the loop like that? How did I not realize how different they are from me?


I guess I don't know them as well as I thought I did.


I have friends who feel the same way about that crap as I do. 
Even though one of my best friends in the entire world is three years younger than me, I don't mind it because I know that we share the same thoughts and beliefs on issues like this.

Some of the people I hang out with don't, and that's fine if they want that kind of life.


But they can't expect me to laugh and joke with them about it, because I don't think it's funny.


I'm making a promise to myself that I won't ever end up like this:

That's not funny to me. It's sad.

I'm not an idiot, and I'm not going to put myself into situations where I'll act like one.


I'm not going to be the average college student. I refuse.

Happy Single Awareness Day (S.A.D.)

This day can go die. Like right now.


 I don't even have the option to ignore it 
and act like it's any other day
because it's shoved in my face all day long.


The whole atmosphere of everyone being extra nice to each other just because it's February 14th makes me sick.


They just go back to their indifferent selves tomorrow anyway.


I don't feel like writing out all the reason's I hate this holiday 
like I did last year, but I do.


Someday I might actually like "Valentine's Day",
but for now it's just a lovely reminder of how ridiculously 
lame my life is.


Thanks for shoving that in my face AGAIN, world.

convoluted

once again, I'm writing you a "letter" that you'll never actually read.

unless of course you happen to stumble across this by some trick of fate.

here's the thing.

are you purposefully trying to mess with me? because it kinda seems like you are.

don't get me wrong, I'm fine with it. at least we're talking again.

but...are you deciding to get on with life and pretend that awkward confession months ago didn't happen? (granted, at the time, I told you to...seeing as how I didn't know you were dating someone else...)

or is this your semi-subtle way of trying to get to know me better? who knows where that's gonna lead...

but really, who cares? my life has finally starting to fix itself lately. 

and we're friends again.

thats all I can really ask for.

knowing

just because we're friends doesn't mean you can ignore this.


I don't want to hear it...because by now I think I know what you'll say.
but I need to hear it, because there will always be a part of me that wonders "what if?"


what if you really did like me, but were afraid to say anything?
what if we could have been happy, but we wasted it...?


and what if I'm deluding myself and I should just give up and move on?


I don't know. I might never know....and that's whats killing me.


not knowing.


you know where I stand, and you've had plenty of time to think this over.


do you even care enough to acknowledge that? or do you plan on ignoring this, hoping is goes away on its own? 


it won't.


I'll always be waiting in the wings, wishing. but letting you live your life anyway....

 not wanting to ruin whatever happiness you find for yourself.


 there's a part of me...a big part...that wants stand up and say "you've had five months. time's up."
and take the situation into my own hands...


but I'm not that person.
the problem is, neither of us is that kind of person.


we'll probably both end up alone 50 years from now because we're too cowardly to do anything about it.


but knowing that doesn't fix anything.

Genie

I had a dream last night that there was a genie in my closet.

no, not that kind of genie.

this was an advanced genie, because he was allowed to offer more than three wishes.


I asked him, "how many?"


"Make a list. If there are too many, I'll ask you to narrow it down."


So of course, I got some paper and went right to work. Who gives up the chance to have anything they ever wanted?


My list was something like this:


-A million dollars a year, so my family can finally afford everything that goes along with being a family of 9, my dad doesn't have to work another day in his life, my brother never has to worry about having enough money to buy insulin for his diabetes, and us older kids can all go to college without going into debt.


-my license. seriously, this is getting old.


-a car. preferably fast...one that is way more expensive than my meager $2800 car fund can handle


-A house big enough for us all to have our own rooms; mine with enough room for a king-size bed, 80 inch HD TV, an artist studio, a music corner, and a walk-in closet with my brand-new amazing wardrobe in it (might as well dream big)


(this is where my list started to get odd...who knew my subconscious was so unhappy??)


-Be magically 20 pounds lighter. I like food too much to go on a diet :P


-Eye surgery. These glasses are killing my spirit. (I specifically remember dreaming that exact line)


-Knowledge. Not some kind of dumb "I wish I knew everything so I didn't have to finish high school or go to college and I could be the smartest person on earth" wish. I mean...this is kind hard to explain. I would say I wished ****** would like me, but it would be dumb knowing he didn't actually like me, he was wished into it. I guess I wish...I knew what exactly was going on in that ridiculously annoying brain of his. I told him I like him about 3 and a half months ago, is a simple "No, I don't like you like that, can we just be friends?" too much to ask? (though I wouldn't be happy about it) but, no...he's just gonna act the same as always and drive me crazy for the rest of my life with all the not knowing. It sucks. Being able to read his mind would be nice. Yeah, I'll wish for that. (WOW. I'm more crazy than I thought...this was a really long wish. hope I didn't confuse poor Mr. Genie)


-More...confidence? I guess that's the correct term for it. I hate myself. (Again, wow. lovely little emo dreams I'm having. my subconscious is really trying to tell my something (obviously)) 


Well there you have it. All I remember about the rest of the dream was trying to convince the genie that I wasn't actually crazy.


He laughed at me. And then I woke up.


How depressing.


At least I know my dreams are good for entertainment later.