things I didn't get for Christmas

a job
a car
an iPod touch...my little 8 GB nano just doesn't hold all the music I like
a nook color, although I did get a few books I wanted...








...that magical feeling Christmas used to bring, when I was younger


but of course, we can't have everything.

“I am not alone at all, I thought. I was never alone at all. And that, of course, is the message of Christmas. We are never alone. Not when the night is darkest, the wind coldest, the world seemingly most indifferent. For this is still the time God chooses.” -Taylor Caldwell

If Only

“If only, if only…”
The moon speaks no reply,
Reflecting the sun and all that’s gone by.
Be strong, my weary wolf;
Turn around boldly.
Fly high, my baby bird—
My angel, my only.

“If only, if only,”
The woodpecker sighs,
“The bark on the trees was as soft as the skies.”
While the wolf waits below, hungry and lonely;
Crying to the moon,
“If only, if only…”


-Holes










This poem describes my mood perfectly.


If only you knew...

away

I really want to write a song, but I can't seem to put all this stuff in my head into words.

what I really need is a long vacation somewhere far away.
I really want to visit Ireland.

but I wouldn't be able to leave my friends
they keep me sane
even if everthing if confusing and complicated and stupid when I'm here.

most of it is my fault.

I make myself crazy and paranoid with all the excuses...and wishes....and plans...and hopes.... 
I come up with.

what I really want is just to sit in one place, without anything to worry or think about for a really long time.

but that's not going to happen
especially not now.

"May the grass grow long on the road to hell for want of use."

"Count your blessings instead of your crosses;
Count your gains instead of your losses.


Count your joys instead of your woes;
Count your friends instead of your foes.


Count your smiles instead of your tears;
Count your courage instead of your fears.


Count your full years instead of your lean;
Count your kind deeds instead of your mean.


Count your health instead of your wealth;
Love your neighbor as much as yourself."


_________________________________________________


"May the saddest day of your future be no worse
Than the happiest day of your past."


___________________________________________

Irish Blessings are my favorite things in the world. 

Contemplation

I've been having a rough few days...


I feel like a crazy person.


After marching band ended, I figured it would get easier.
But the homework is still there, the random outings with friends distracting from art assignments and calculus problems...


And sleep. There never seems to be enough of it.


It feels like I'm running in a hamster wheel.
I don't sleep at night, so I fall asleep in class and don't learn anything....which causes me to stay up late trying to figure out the homework....


It's a never ending cycle.


I spend my free time staring blankly at walls...


Add to that a friend who is mad at me....for what reason, I have no idea. She won't even talk to me anymore.


She even deleted me from her Facebook friends list.....and you know what they say- "It's not official until it's Facebook official."


It makes it odd and uncomfortable that we have to sit next to each other in class every day...


There is also the confusion of this situation with a certain boy...whose name will not be mentioned until I get this whole thing figured out.


Let's just say he is causing more annoyance and agitation than he probably realizes.
Not that I hate him for it. The opposite is probably true....
I like to spend my time chasing shadows.


This combination can't end well....


And I always wake up screaming.

lights in the dark

we must walk these paths alone...
but we don't mind


 because we carry the hope of our future, 
the joy of our triumphs, 
the resilience from our failures, 
the courage from our fears, 
and the magic of our dreams
 with us...


and within the darkness, we can find circles of light
where our friends and family will stand with us,
and we can always find our way.


we don't have to be afraid....

because things can only get better.

days

life is a crazy mess...


confusing,


happy,


awful,


painful,


funny,


amazing,


stupid,


boring,


hopeful,


mysterious,


exciting....


but most of the time, it's just ridiculous.


and maybe one day it will all make sense.....but I'm not holding my breath.

shooting stars

 "****** is listed as no longer in a relationship"

Is it bad that those little words on a screen can make my whole day seem so much better?

Is it bad that her broken heart doesn't make me feel worse?

Is it bad that what could be someone else's worse day ever, just became my best?

All that occured to me was that He wasn't with her anymore....

Is it bad that I want to ignore her feelings completely, so I can finally be happy for once...?

All I know is that my hands are shaking, and I don't even know what's going to happen yet....

Kutless- What Faith Can Do

This song has been stuck in my head for days.....and maybe I'll eventually get around to posting the whole long and complicated story that brings this song to mind. eventually.


click to hear:

Create a playlist at MixPod.com

Everybody falls sometimes,
Gotta find the strength to rise
From the ashes and make a new beginning

Anyone can feel the ache
You think it’s more than you can take
But you're stronger, stronger than you know

Don’t you give up now
The sun will soon be shining
You gotta face the clouds
To find the silver lining


I’ve seen dreams that move the mountains
Hope that doesn’t ever end
Even when the sky is falling
I’ve seen miracles just happen
Silent prayers get answered
Broken hearts become brand new
That’s what faith can do



It doesn't matter what you’ve heard
Impossible is not a word
It’s just a reason for someone not to try

Everybody’s scared to death
When they decide to take that step
Out on the water
It’ll be alright

Life is so much more
Than what your eyes are seeing
You will find your way
If you keep believing


I’ve seen dreams that move the mountains
Hope that doesn’t ever end
Even when the sky is falling
I’ve seen miracles just happen
Silent prayers get answered
Broken hearts become brand new
That’s what faith can do



Overcome the odds
You don't have a chance
When the world says you can’t
It’ll tell you that you can!



I’ve seen dreams that move the mountains
Hope that doesn't ever end
Even when the sky is falling
And I’ve seen miracles just happen
Silent prayers get answered
Broken hearts become brand new
That’s what faith can do
That's what faith can do!



Even if you fall sometimes
You will have the strength to rise....

pinky promise.

I’m not giving up.

I may step back,

pretend not to care,

But I’m not giving up.

I learn from my mistakes.

Just because I decide to grow up,

and try to move on

doesn't mean anything's changed,

I’m not giving up.

I’ll laugh at your jokes,

I’ll say hi in the halls,

I’ll ignore the obvious,

Because I’m not giving up.

This is me being your friend,

And that’s it.

This is me being responsible,

Even if I don’t like it.

I promise not to get involved,

I promise not to act jealous,

I promise not to make it awkward.

But I’ve made a promise to myself, too…

I’m not giving up.

failure

I am a complete and total idiot.

I should have waited to say anything.

I should have thought things through more.

I should have just left things alone, maybe none of this would have happened...


but whats the point in life if you don't take risks?
I guess we can say that this experiment into the world of being completely honest was the opposite of helpful.

some things are just not meant to work.

the stars above

it's summer, which means any posts I actually get around to putting up will be very few and far between.






You've made it crystal clear
you are the chandelier
and I am the floor beneath you
so low i cannot reach you

You are the constellations
you are the stars above
lightyears away from being
something that I could touch

I, I, I've 
been bli-i-inded 
by your glow
Cuz it shines like oh, oh, oh

You were sent from heaven to save me
from my wicked ways
and all the loneliest nights, turn into reasons to stay

  and I can ho-o-ope, that soon you'll know oh oh
why I leave all the lights on, cuz it's dark when you're gone

You are the morning light
cast over open eyes
into the heart that found you
now it won't beat without you

And every headlight bleeds
a trail of memories
a flashback in the night
like halos in your eyes

I, I, I 
can't fi-i-ind my way alone
Cuz you shine like oh, oh, oh

I lost sight, of the compass in my mind
I lost my way, tangled up inside
Now all my dreams are hanging from a wire
and it's crystal clear, you are the chandelier

if only I had headphones that worked right now...

The Music Lover Award from Allie at Sir, There's a Monster in my Sombrero

rules:

a. List your top 10 favorite songs on your iPod:
this is tough. my favorites change all the time....
so, here they are for today, in no particular order:


1. The Only Exception by Paramore
2. Viva la Vida by Coldplay
3. Breath and The Diary of Jane (can't decide which I like better) by Breaking Benjamin
4. Keep Holding On by Avril Lavigne
5. Leave Out All the Rest by Linkin Park
6. The Sun and The Moon by Mae
7. Say Anything (Else) by Cartel
8. The Places You Have Come to Fear the Most by Dashboard Confessional
9. Hello by Evanescence
10. Alphabetic File by Hotspur


and many more.

 b. State what color your iPod is: greeeeeeeeeen


c. Give this award to 11 music loving bloggers:

I only picked 8 for now. if I find more, I will post about them too.


-Nova at Conquest
-Lovesick Fool at Voices of the Heartbroken
-Heather at Inspiration
-Cody at Discombobulated Melancholy
-xxLover at Ardent Zeals
-Katieleigh at Goodbye Animosity
-Hope Chella at Hope Chella
-Kristen at Keep Calm and Eat a Cupcake

update: and Kevin at The Pursuit since he whined that I forgot him :)

The Ryan Story (part 3)

part 1

part 2

part 3: Eleven Days

The day after we went bowling..its a Sunday

its after 9, the phone rings. we have caller ID, but it doesn't recognize his phone number.

I answer the phone, ready to hang up at the first sign of a telemarketer or prank call.

hello?

hi, may I speak to Ireland?

it's me.

oh, hey! it's Ryan.

meanwhile, I'm wondering how the heck he got my phone number.
I run upstairs so my parents can't hear me on the phone.

what's up?

nothing. I was just calling to say "hi".

this is where my common sense kicks in and says
"he's lying. no one ever calls just to say 'hi'" and when I get really confused and curious. what could he possibly want at 9pm?

one hour and several awkward silences later, my sister comes upstairs and sees me sitting with the phone, silently.
you're still on the phone?!

I ask her what she wants, and she just says "Is it Ryan?"
I nod. She holds her hand out for the phone.

I hand it to her, wondering what the heck she could possibly want to talk to him about.

later I found out that she had been talking to him for a few weeks via Facebook, trying to convince him to call me and ask me out -- that traitor gave him our number.

she tells me to go downstairs while she talks to him, which has me very worried and even more confused. when she finally calls me back upstairs, she hands me the phone silently and leaves the room.

what was that about? I ask him.

nothing. liar.

eventually he tries a circuituous route to the subject he wants to talk about. apparently he's been stalking my facebook profile...

I still find it hard to believe that you've never had a boyfriend.

I don't.

why not? what's not to like? what the heck? a lot -- that's what's not to like.

I don't know, I just don't really think about this stuff much. liar. what am I talking about?

well....would you consider...dating a guy like me? well there it is, Ireland. you asked for it.

but the way he says it- "a guy like me" what does that mean?
looking back, my caught-off-guard-and-therefore-completely-honest reply was: I guess.

does that not scream of excitement?

cool.

2 hours later I finally hang up. and no, we weren't talking that long. most of it was more long silences. I'm very anti-social and in fact hate talking on the phone.
and he apparently had nothing to say either.

this is starting off on a wonderful note.
not.

-to be continued-

expectations

my first year of college classes is over, and I find myself facing the fact that one year from now, I will be graduating from high school (with a high school diploma and my associate's degree) and making all kinds of important decisions...

what college to go to, where to live- home or in the dorms? or out of state? and what to major in

I'm still coming to terms with the jolt into the real world that I will be getting. I don't know if I will be able to handle living on my own; paying rent, taxes, and bills; getting myself up every morning and off to classes / work...

so much responsibility and pressure.

I haven't even gotten a car yet, how will I handle driving around a new town?

If I let myself really think about all the stuff I will have to deal with, I freak out. I've tried very hard to live in the moment recently, and not think about the future at all. that's probably irresponsible, but at this point, I don't really care.

one of my biggest problems is that I don't really feel like giving up being a kid yet. Yes, I'm sixteen, and most people assume that once you're a teenager, its time for more responsibility and starting to act like an adult; but I don't want to.

It seems silly for me to "not want to grow up", most people don't worry about that until they're in their 60s and wishing they could go back in time.... but I still do.

I've always had a lot of pressure to do good in school and be a "good kid", and I guess I've done my best. no one's perfect, and we all have regrets.
the sad thing is that sometimes I find myself wishing I had taken more risks.

I never broke a bone or had any serious injuries when I was younger, I never had some major adventure that I got caught for later, saying "it was worth it"- things that are almost a rite of passage for kids. I never got those experiences. I feel like I'm not ready to act like an adult, I haven't gotten all the immaturity out of my system yet.

luckily for me, I still have another year to worry about it.

and trust me, I will.

wishes

ah blogger. all the therapy money can buy for absolutely free.

I've been told that sharing my feelings with faceless strangers over the internet
helps a lot, but so far its not really done me any real favors.

I'm still sixteen, still dealing with high school and college, my siblings are
still growing up and doing whatever. My little brother's still a brat.

I guess blogging really doesn't help as much as people say it does.

I just wish I had an actual person to talk to, hang out with....

 people at school are mostly okay, but they're all mindless drones, each more
gullible and stupid than the other.

It's not like I don't have friends, it's just that I wish I could have more close ones. the people that I've known for years move away, change schools, aren't in any of my classes...


things change, but I'm still the same person I was yesterday.

I wish it was easier.

to make friends you can trust right away,
  to understand them, to be able to be completely honest,
to be able to hang out and talk for hours, and never feel awkward or at a loss for words.

the kind of friend you can joke and laugh with, and the next minute be completely serious without any weirdness.

I wish it could be like that every time, that it wouldn't take so long to become real friends with someone.

 That real life was as convenient and had just as many happy endings as the movies.


I wish everyone could find that someone they could be with forever, and it wouldn't be so difficult or complicated. or mind-numbing. or painful.


I wish people would just say what they mean and mean what they say.
that they would tell you the truth, no matter how embarrassing, awkward, or even hurtful it could be.

I wish more people, teenagers, would care about the world, the future, their lives, more than the typical high school gossip- what she's wearing tomorrow, who he cheated on, which teachers are the easiest to harass...

life shouldn't feel like a waste of time.
it should be fun, heartbreaking, ridiculous, memorable.

I wish everything would just start to fall into place, because having no clue is really starting to get old.

I wish my future was easier to see, so I could know that 30 years down the road, I will be okay.
that I'll be enjoying my life instead of just letting it happen. I wish I could know what college to go to, where to live, what to do with my life.

I wish.

I'm...I guess I'm just lonely. more so than I really want to admit.

Sometimes I think no one really understands that.

The Ryan Story (part 2)

this will end up being longer than I assumed.

part 1

part 2- It's Complicated


New Year's 2009. For the past few weeks, heck, maybe even months (I don't pay attention), Ryan and I have gotten along better.


We talk every once in a while, wave as we pass by each other randomly. Some might even say we're friends.


February. He sits with me almost every week. In youth group and during the main service.


I usually sit in the "overflow room", which is for people who come in late, have screaming babies, or can't find a seat in the auditorium. I watch the service on a screen, in a room where I won't be talked about or laughed at if I fall asleep because of my sporadic sleeping patterns.


But now, as we walk over from the youth service, he asks if I want to sit with him. Why not? Friends sit together don't they?


Over time, I could tell.


I found myself wishing he would hurry up and ask, already.


Did I want a boyfriend? Sure.
Did I like him? 


I didn't even know.


The night of Valentine's Day, its a Saturday, we're talking on Facebook.


I can't remember what about. Something about candy.
I promised I'd bring him some the next day. It was FunDip (best candy ever).


He was surprised when I actually brought it to him. I keep my promises. He said he felt bad and that he'd bring me some candy eventually. Fair is fair.

During the church service, he nudges me with his elbow. I've started to fall asleep. Embarrassing.


Tuesday night, we're on Facebook again.


He says "we should do something sometime". All casual-like. "sure" I reply, flippantly.


Me, hangout? Ireland doesn't just hang out with people. I'm basically anti-social.


he's serious. he won't let it go. "want to get a group together?". 


this I can live with. "okay, I'll ask around".


Wednesday, I send a frantic Facebook message. "Anyone want to go bowling Saturday?" I ask.


I get lots of "no"s and "maybe"s. now what? I don't want to go with him alone. too much pressure.


Saturday the 28th arrives. My brother decides to be chivalrous and go with me (him liking bowling so much didn't hurt either). Him and Ryan are friends, and this is not a date, so no biggie.

while we wait in line to rent shoes, he looks down and holds out a handful of cherry Hershey kisses. he says "these are really good". I let him pour them into my palm.


after getting set up on our lane and bowling no more than 2 frames, my friend Sydney shows up.

mush better.
three may be a "crowd", but four is a group. 

Ryan talks me into trying one of those cherry things he brought me. They're gross. "You like them?" I nod. I don't want to hurt his feelings.

When we get hungry, we all pool our left over money and buy some barbecue wings.


they're spicy, and we have no money left for drinks. the water-fountain is broken. we all laugh at our bad luck and try to finish our game with mouths on-fire.


We finish bowling, wave goodbye to Sydney as her mom picks her up, and wait for our respective rides.


Ryan tries his luck at that stupid, rigged, claw machine.


to our surprise he snags something. a little stuffed elmo wearing pajamas and carrying a blankie.


"sweet" he says, chuckling.


when his dad's truck pulls up, he turns back "you want this?" holding elmo out to me.


"thanks" I say as I awkwardly smile and take it. 

It's still in my room somewhere. 
buried under random things I've accumulated and no longer care about.

maybe

I don't think you even notice.

sometimes I think you do, when you look over and smile, or try your hardest to make small talk. it's not your fault I'm not good at talking to people in general.

but guys are cryptic. and you're harder to read than most.

I only see you maybe once a week, but every time I keep hoping you'll say something, anything, to prove this isn't all in my head.

but who am I to judge? I know nothing about this sort of thing. I doubt you do either.

by the time we figure this out, It'll be too late.

musicals make me think too much...

And you make me talk....
And you make me feel......
And you make me show
What I'm trying to conceal.

If I trust in you
would you let me down?
Would you laugh at me
if I said I care for you?

Could you feel the same way too?

I wanna know
what's the name of the game?

-Mama Mia!

Hello (by Evanescence)

Playground school bell rings again,



Rain clouds come to play again,


Has no one told you she's not breathing?


Hello, I'm your mind giving you someone to talk to,


Hello...






If I smile and don't believe,


Soon I know I'll wake from this dream,


Don't try to fix me, I'm not broken,


Hello, I'm the lie, living for you so you can hide,


Don´t cry...






Suddenly I know I'm not sleeping,


Hello, I'm still here,


All that's left of yesterday...


Hello...