If any of you've noticed, I haven't posted in a while.
Mostly that's because of school. It's been really weird getting into the swing of college jank. It's not like I'm even taking hard classes- I'm mostly in art courses because I don't need any more GenEd- but I just can't seem to stop procrastinating. I make everything so much harder for myself than it really has to be.
But even if I hadn't been so busy with projects, I probably wouldn't have posted these last few months. For some reason I can't stop feeling so darn apathetic about everything. People annoy me. School is just a distraction. I basically have no life at all and frankly it disturbs me how much this doesn't bother me.
I'm not really sure what's going on. Is this depression? Because I thought I was done with that. Last year was pretty awful and I worked through it and things were going fine. At least I thought so.
Now...I don't even know.
Don't get me wrong- I am happy sporadically. I see what few friends I've managed to keep every once in a while and I can laugh along and watch movies and have dinner at awesome restaurants and feel normal sometimes. It just doesn't seem to last. And I can't fix it.
It's like I'm literally incapable of being like everyone else.
Not that whole notion of "normal" people try to pretend actually exists; but just the ordinary, day-to-day interactions and obligations of any average functioning human are just impossible to me. I can't seem to act right in any sort of social situation. I don't stand up for myself enough. I'm just....not at all how I want to be, and I don't know what to do about it.
I wish I could move out, Get some semblance of "starting over". What little money I make at the job I hate with every fiber of my being goes right back into car insurance, food, art supplies, and other random essentials. I just feel stuck.
I live for escapism.
Mostly that's because of school. It's been really weird getting into the swing of college jank. It's not like I'm even taking hard classes- I'm mostly in art courses because I don't need any more GenEd- but I just can't seem to stop procrastinating. I make everything so much harder for myself than it really has to be.
But even if I hadn't been so busy with projects, I probably wouldn't have posted these last few months. For some reason I can't stop feeling so darn apathetic about everything. People annoy me. School is just a distraction. I basically have no life at all and frankly it disturbs me how much this doesn't bother me.
I'm not really sure what's going on. Is this depression? Because I thought I was done with that. Last year was pretty awful and I worked through it and things were going fine. At least I thought so.
Now...I don't even know.
Don't get me wrong- I am happy sporadically. I see what few friends I've managed to keep every once in a while and I can laugh along and watch movies and have dinner at awesome restaurants and feel normal sometimes. It just doesn't seem to last. And I can't fix it.
It's like I'm literally incapable of being like everyone else.
Not that whole notion of "normal" people try to pretend actually exists; but just the ordinary, day-to-day interactions and obligations of any average functioning human are just impossible to me. I can't seem to act right in any sort of social situation. I don't stand up for myself enough. I'm just....not at all how I want to be, and I don't know what to do about it.
I wish I could move out, Get some semblance of "starting over". What little money I make at the job I hate with every fiber of my being goes right back into car insurance, food, art supplies, and other random essentials. I just feel stuck.
I live for escapism.
No comments:
Post a Comment