Where were you?

Life is short.
Rule #32: Enjoy the Little Things.

introspection

I’ve experienced a lot in my eighteen years, but it seems that the one thing that most defines me is something that I myself had no control over. Something I wasn’t even aware of until about halfway through my life.

I was ten years old. I remember my parents coming home from the hospital, and we were waiting in the front room to hear the news. I remember looking out the window with my siblings and seeing my mom hug a neighbor she had never gotten along with. That’s when I knew what she was going to tell us. Regardless, I tried to be optimistic. I kept my three younger siblings’ spirits up- joking and playing with them until my parents came into the house to tell us that our brother was brain dead.

A few weeks later, I had to give a speech at my fifth grade graduation. My eyes were clouding up by the end of it and everyone assumed it was because of my brother. It wasn’t, I was just terrified of public speaking. It wasn’t even five minutes before I was eating goldfish crackers and laughing with the rest of my friends.

Those masks you see painted in drama rooms- the masks of comedy and tragedy- are just mirror images of one another.  I’m sure you’ve seen people laugh so hard they cry…well, it works the other way, too.

Grief comes out in strange ways. I’ve seen people laugh their way through a funeral and I can understand why. Sometimes you just become numb to feeling a certain way. Those emotions don’t disappear, they just get diverted.

Tears become laughter, and there’s not much you can do about it. But at least you’re feeling something. At least you don’t shut down completely. Eventually, we are all able to process and move on; but you can expect there to be bumps along the way.

I’m the type of person who will be fine with the death of a loved one a few days after it happens- I suck it up and move on. Yet, certain scenes in movies and TV shows make me well up.  It might not make sense, it might even be seen as insensitive, but that’s just how I am. I’m not going to overthink it; I just accept it as fact.

I’ve learned not to question these things.

some explanation

I just realized that I never finished the Ryan Story. 
So now I'm going to. Because I've had some inspiration recently. 
And I feel like I need to get all of this out so I can move on.

I have this issue.

Well, it's actually not an issue to me, but everyone and their mother keeps trying to convince me it is. Like there's something wrong with me.

Being an introvert is not a medical disorder. It's just me.

I don't make friends easily, so when I do, it means something.

I'm a very solitary person. I don't need to have someone to talk to 24/7. I don't need a network of hundreds of friends to feel popular.

I guess Emily-chan said it best in her recent post:

"I like people. Sometimes. I like talking and laughing and having a good time, but when push comes to shove, I'm always a little relieved when I'm able to be alone again.

As with anything, there are exceptions to my rule. A few people over the years have been able to connect with me in a wow, that clicks way, but they're few and far between. People who I wouldn't mind hanging out with all the time. Unfortunately, I can count all of them on one hand and everyone else just seems to fall into a category of 'I really can't be bothered keeping this friendship up'.


And so I pull back. Because it's just easier that way. I don't need people to define me, I don't need people to entertain me, I don't need people to make me happy."

I'm not trying to sound like a loner, or a hermit, or whatever you want to call me. That's just how I am. When I meet someone, it takes me a while to trust them. If I come to find that an impossibility, I go back to polite nods from across the room. I don't need excess drama in my life.

So, a boy named Ryan and his family moves to town. We become friends. He starts to like me.

We're friends, and he's trying to make things complicated. I know this can't end well. I don't like him that way....Nevertheless, I stupidly agreed to date the boy who (for some strange reason) likes me. I just figured "he's my friend, what can it hurt?" I admit, there also may have been a bit of "let's get this first boyfriend thing out of the way" in there too.

I made it all of eleven days before I couldn't take it anymore. I just couldn't let myself mess with his feelings like that, like I was leading him along or something. I can't hurt a friend that way.

This dating thing happened two years ago, but he still likes me, I know he does, even if I don't understand why. I was too much of a coward to even dump him to his face, so I did it by Facebook, but I told him that we could still be friends. Which, as it turns out, is extremely difficult.

When my birthday rolled around last week, I stupidly decided to have some sort of party because 'I only turn 18 once', yeah? I should have known what would happen. 

Out of the ten people I invited (it was surprisingly difficult to scrape together that many people I could stand to be around for more than five minutes), two showed up. One of which was Ryan. 

You may be wondering "why did you even invite him?" Well, I'll tell you. 'He's my friend'. That's what I kept trying to convince myself. That we could be friends. 

The whole time he was being...difficult. Lots of (failing to be) inconspicuous flirting and all of that crap. When I was trying to win something from a claw machine in the arcade, he said "I got you a stuffed Elmo from one of these, remember?" Yeah. Thanks for the reminder. I think he's currently shoved underneath my bed.

He made it extremely awkward and I could tell Rachel (one of my few really good friends) felt bad for me.

After Rachel left, me and Ryan walked to the parking lot together. When we got outside, he said "Well, I'll see you later" with a smirk in his voice as he sauntered over to his moped, trying to look cool.

"Goodbye, Ryan" I called over my shoulder, not looking back as I got into my car, slammed the door and sped out of there. And I meant it. That was goodbye. I can't pretend that we can be "just" friends anymore when he is determined not to let that happen.

So we won't be friends. He'll just be another person I walk by without really seeing. I don't need any friendship bad enough to make myself miserable.

at last I am born

"I once used to chase affection withdrawn

But now I just sit back and yawn 
Because I am born..."


It feels good. Not dwelling on him anymore.
I still like him, of course. That probably won't go away for a while...
But he's my friend, and I'm happy if he's happy.

"I once thought that time accentuates despair
But now I don’t actually care
Because I am born..."

The longer everything went on, the worse it seemed to get.
But it was all in my head. It's crazy how you can trick yourself into being miserable.
Being happy is easier.

"I once thought I had numerous reasons to cry
And I did, but I don’t anymore

Because I am born..."

I'm not going to let stupid things ruin my life.

I'm moving on, moving forward. 

Honestly, I haven't felt this good in ages.

"It took me a long, long time
But now I am born
I once was a mess of guilt because of the flesh
It’s remarkable what you can learn
Once you are born"

Look at me now.

No more looking back.

I’ll be fine.

"At Last I Am Born" by Morrisey

mid-year resolutions

Well, I turned 18 yesterday.


And while I was wasting the day away on movies, ice cream, and such, I realized how much fun it was to actually be doing something for once. I've been couped-up in my house for far too long.


As I was driving around, eating popcorn, and laughing at all of the crazy stuff in the local oriental store, I started to feel more like myself again. And it was nice.


Seventeen was a ridiculous year for me. Lots of ups, but a whole crapload of downs to go with it.
I've had a blast with my last seasons of marching band and drumline, I've lost friends through stupid misunderstandings, I've graduated from high school with a college degree, and I've suffered through what I'm pretty sure was atypical depression.
For the last few months, I've been alternating between my extreme hate of the world and my extreme hate of myself.


And I'm tired of it. Yesterday was the first time that everything seemed okay again. I wasn't worrying about college or what I'll do after I graduate, I wasn't worrying about getting a job and finally moving out, I wasn't worrying about anything.


I just was.


So for now, I'm resolving to start over. From today forward, I won't be the person that's taken over my life for so long. I'm going to enjoy living, because so many people don't get to. So many people die before they've ever really lived, so why should I waste the time I've been given?
I won't forget about the bad things that have happened in my life, but I'm learning to accept them and move on. If I can't change it, why worry about it?


When I start school in three weeks, I'll be better than I've been. I'll be happier, I'll meet new people and try new things, and just live . 
Seventeen can go shrivel up in a corner and die for all I care.

Eighteen's going to be great. Because I said so.