no homo

In the past few months I've realized something about myself that had to change.

To begin with, I'm a Christian. I believe in God. 

I'm not ashamed to say that, but I am ashamed of the way I've been representing Christians by the way I present myself.

I hated gay people.

Thinking back, it was there from the beginning- that instinctual hate. I could shrug it off by blaming my mom for some of the things she's said about homosexuals. That I became so used to it, I just thought that was the way to be. But it's me, not her. I'm my own person and I can't blame her for the way I've acted.

I remember this one specific kid from my class who everyone assumed was gay (I still don't know for sure if he was, but that's irrelevant). I'll call him "Tim" for the sake of this story.

In eighth grade, Tim started dating one of my best friends. (I'll call this friend "Annie"). 

Now, Annie and Tim had been casual friends for a few years, but I didn't really hang around with Annie whenever Tim was around, because "ew, he's gay". When they started dating, a lot of us assumed Tim was only using Annie to stop the gay rumors. Basically saying "hey, I'm dating this girl, so obviously I don't like dudes." 

I hated this kid, and I hated that my friend was being "used" like that, so I told Annie that Tim was cheating on her with some girl he hung out with a lot. Annie dumped Tim. End of story. I was proud of myself for "protecting" Annie, and for hurting Tim.

Tim was always trying to be friends with me before any of this happened. Because we were both friends with Annie and he wanted us all to hang out or something. But I always managed to avoid him, for the most part.

A few months after the Tim/Annie incident, he happened to be in line behind me at lunch and started talking to me. To make him go away, I said something like, "Look, kid. You cheated on my best friend and you're just weird. Don't talk to me, okay? I hate you." And walked off.

And he didn't really bother me after that. Granted, a few times at Marching Band practice or in the halls at school he would wave and say "Hi!" or something in that always-cheerful voice of his. I would glare and then continue to ignore him.

Several times he would be talking to one my friends and I would just walk away, shuddering. I even told a friend about two years ago that "I hate that kid. I can't stand to be around him. If you want to hug him and be friends with him, whatever. But don't do it in front of me." 

I just...why? Why would I say things like that about someone else?

Slowly, it dawned on me that I hated a lot of things. And I shouldn't. One of the biggest teachings in the New Testament is "Love one another" and that was something I was failing miserably at. But I was really conflicted, because I know that Christians believe homosexuality is wrong, and my mother definitely said enough things over the years that I wasn't really sure what to do with all these doubts I was having.

My senior year in high school, Tim happened to be behind me in line again at breakfast and, rather hesitantly said, "Hey Ireland...do you still hate me?" The look on his face...I felt awful. This kid had gone around all these years knowing I hated his guts but trying to be polite to me anyway, and I just shoved him aside.

After thinking about it for a moment, I finally mumbled "No...but don't expect us to be friends or anything..."

His face lit up and he walked away.

Hating just takes too much energy. It's such a terrible waste of emotion and time and there's no reason for it.

I never really hung around Tim, but I did make an effort to at least say "hi" in the halls and be polite.

Even still, its taken me a long time to sort out my feelings on the subject. I'm just now coming to terms with accepting people, no matter what they believe or who they are.Trying to "love one another" in a world so full of hate is difficult, and sometimes I find myself doubting again. Thinking things like "Would I have been expected to love Hitler, then? Or Osama Bin Laden?"

And the answer is yes. 

I may not agree with their actions or beliefs, but they were people just like everyone else. Don't get me wrong, I'm not saying homosexuals are in any way equated to the likes of Adolf Hitler, I'm just proving a point.

I don't support gay marriage.

I don't believe being gay is something you are born with.

But I don't hate gay people. 

I don't hate Muslims. I don't hate Buddhists. I don't hate Hindus. I don't hate atheists. I don't hate bigamists. I don't hate liars. I don't hate thieves. I don't hate murderers (though I do believe they deserve justice for their actions...)

I don't hate. I just can't. I don't want to be that person.

I may not agree with a lifestyle, but I won't hate someone because of it.

And, in an odd twist of fate, just a few months ago I caught up with my friend Annie again. She's a lesbian now. It was a shock, to say the least, to see someone I knew for so long come out. But I'm still friends with her. We text, we hang out. She's still Annie.

She's still a person, just like everyone else.

I'm a Christian. I may not love homosexuality, but I don't hate homosexuals.

"By this all men will know that you are My disciples, if you have love for one another." 
-John 13:35

not helpful

My best friend just texted me that his grandmother died. His family knew it was coming all weekend, but I'm sure knowing that doesn't dampen it. I only interacted with her a few times, but she was one of the nicest ladies I've ever met; and since I've never been that close to my grandmother, I was happy for my friend that she was such a big part of his life.

Of course, I again find myself in that awkward position- what do I say?


I've been watching their puppies while his family stayed at the hospital over the past 3 days, walking them and feeding them, but I still feel like the worst friend ever. I can't be helpful and coddling and say "everything's going to be alright, she's in a better place" even though I know she is. It just sounds flat and disingenuous.


I'm emotionally backward. The death of fictional characters affects me more than real, everyday people.


And this is not about me. I know that. But I'm the worst person to pick as a best friend when something like this happens, because I freeze up. Sarcasm? Coming right up. Clever stories? You got it. Emotional support?

You might as well be asking me to speak Martian.

It's made stranger by the fact that me and this friend are always in a texting conversation, making jokes and being ridiculous. Constantly. We're hardly ever serious with each other. But over the weekend when sending me updates on "Mema"'s condition, he's only spoken in complete sentences with flawless grammar and spelling. He already sounds like this situation has made him grow up.

I guess because so many people have been dying around me the past few years, I'm just really jaded by it. But this is the first death of a loved one for him, at least one he's been old enough to remember, and it's going to affect him significantly.

He's basically my surrogate brother and I have a feeling the next time I see him will be awkward for us both. We won't know how to act or what to say...I know its sad and I feel bad for him, but I'm way out of my depth here.

I'm just glad she went peacefully with her family around her.

not forgotten

"You'll get over it." 

It's the clichés that cause the most trouble. To lose someone is to alter your life forever. You don't get over it, because 'it' is a person you cared about. The pain stops, there are new people, but the gap never closes.
How could it? The particularness of someone who mattered enough to grieve over is not erased by anyone. 

This hole in my life is in the shape of you and no one else can fit. Why would I want them to?                                                              

                                                              

I want to talk to you, but I don't know what to say. I am afraid you don't want me to say anything. So I don't. But inside of me there are words waiting to come out. To tell you how I feel- like how much I miss you. And how I think I loved you despite my inability to express anything besides casual friendship.
And how I need you in my life.
But those words may be forever locked inside.


Sometimes I wonder if there are words locked inside you too.

Regression

If any of you've noticed, I haven't posted in a while.


Mostly that's because of school. It's been really weird getting into the swing of college jank. It's not like I'm even taking hard classes- I'm mostly in art courses because I don't need any more GenEd- but I just can't seem to stop procrastinating. I make everything so much harder for myself than it really has to be.

But even if I hadn't been so busy with projects, I probably wouldn't have posted these last few months. For some reason I can't stop feeling so darn apathetic about everything. People annoy me. School is just a distraction. I basically have no life at all and frankly it disturbs me how much this doesn't bother me.


I'm not really sure what's going on. Is this depression? Because I thought I was done with that. Last year was pretty awful and I worked through it and things were going fine. At least I thought so.

Now...I don't even know.

Don't get me wrong- I am happy sporadically. I see what few friends I've managed to keep every once in a while and I can laugh along and watch movies and have dinner at awesome restaurants and feel normal sometimes. It just doesn't seem to last. And I can't fix it.


It's like I'm literally incapable of being like everyone else.

Not that whole notion of "normal" people try to pretend actually exists; but just the ordinary, day-to-day interactions and obligations of any average functioning human are just impossible to me. I can't seem to act right in any sort of social situation. I don't stand up for myself enough. I'm just....not at all how I want to be, and I don't know what to do about it.

I wish I could move out, Get some semblance of "starting over". What little money I make at the job I hate with every fiber of my being goes right back into car insurance, food, art supplies, and other random essentials. I just feel stuck.

I live for escapism.

Overwhelmed

"There's a light at each end of this tunnel, you shout
'Cause you're just as far in as you'll ever be out
These mistakes you've made, you'll just make them again
If you only try turning around.

2 AM and I'm still awake, writing a song
If I get it all down on paper, its no longer
Inside of me, threatening the life it belongs to
And I feel like I'm naked in front of the crowd
Cause these words are my diary, screaming out loud
And I know that you'll use them, however you want to

Cause you can't jump the track, we're like cars on a cable,
And life's like an hourglass, glued to the table
No one can find the rewind button now
Sing it if you understand.
And breathe, just breathe...."