Genie

I had a dream last night that there was a genie in my closet.

no, not that kind of genie.

this was an advanced genie, because he was allowed to offer more than three wishes.


I asked him, "how many?"


"Make a list. If there are too many, I'll ask you to narrow it down."


So of course, I got some paper and went right to work. Who gives up the chance to have anything they ever wanted?


My list was something like this:


-A million dollars a year, so my family can finally afford everything that goes along with being a family of 9, my dad doesn't have to work another day in his life, my brother never has to worry about having enough money to buy insulin for his diabetes, and us older kids can all go to college without going into debt.


-my license. seriously, this is getting old.


-a car. preferably fast...one that is way more expensive than my meager $2800 car fund can handle


-A house big enough for us all to have our own rooms; mine with enough room for a king-size bed, 80 inch HD TV, an artist studio, a music corner, and a walk-in closet with my brand-new amazing wardrobe in it (might as well dream big)


(this is where my list started to get odd...who knew my subconscious was so unhappy??)


-Be magically 20 pounds lighter. I like food too much to go on a diet :P


-Eye surgery. These glasses are killing my spirit. (I specifically remember dreaming that exact line)


-Knowledge. Not some kind of dumb "I wish I knew everything so I didn't have to finish high school or go to college and I could be the smartest person on earth" wish. I mean...this is kind hard to explain. I would say I wished ****** would like me, but it would be dumb knowing he didn't actually like me, he was wished into it. I guess I wish...I knew what exactly was going on in that ridiculously annoying brain of his. I told him I like him about 3 and a half months ago, is a simple "No, I don't like you like that, can we just be friends?" too much to ask? (though I wouldn't be happy about it) but, no...he's just gonna act the same as always and drive me crazy for the rest of my life with all the not knowing. It sucks. Being able to read his mind would be nice. Yeah, I'll wish for that. (WOW. I'm more crazy than I thought...this was a really long wish. hope I didn't confuse poor Mr. Genie)


-More...confidence? I guess that's the correct term for it. I hate myself. (Again, wow. lovely little emo dreams I'm having. my subconscious is really trying to tell my something (obviously)) 


Well there you have it. All I remember about the rest of the dream was trying to convince the genie that I wasn't actually crazy.


He laughed at me. And then I woke up.


How depressing.


At least I know my dreams are good for entertainment later.

one more year

I am not at all sad to bid farewell to 2010.


sure, it had its good moments, but it was packed with way too many things I wish could have happened differently.


There are certainly things I'm gonna learn to let go of, and a few other things I'm going to really go after this year- I'm not letting this slip through my fingers.


I've never really been one for New Years resolutions, but I have a few for 2011:


1- get my license and a car (finally)


2- learn how to be on my own- I'm graduating from high school (and simultaneously from community college) this year, and I don't think I'm ready for the real world quite yet...


3- understand myself better- I thought I knew what I wanted, but everything has gotten very complicated lately, and I have no idea what I'm doing anymore.


4- I know everyone says this, but I really want to lose 15 pounds.


5- this one's a secret. but I know it, and that's what matters :P




So there you have it, my demands...I mean goals for 2011.

oh, and I really want Lady Gaga to go away. That would make my year :P

things I didn't get for Christmas

a job
a car
an iPod touch...my little 8 GB nano just doesn't hold all the music I like
a nook color, although I did get a few books I wanted...








...that magical feeling Christmas used to bring, when I was younger


but of course, we can't have everything.

“I am not alone at all, I thought. I was never alone at all. And that, of course, is the message of Christmas. We are never alone. Not when the night is darkest, the wind coldest, the world seemingly most indifferent. For this is still the time God chooses.” -Taylor Caldwell

If Only

“If only, if only…”
The moon speaks no reply,
Reflecting the sun and all that’s gone by.
Be strong, my weary wolf;
Turn around boldly.
Fly high, my baby bird—
My angel, my only.

“If only, if only,”
The woodpecker sighs,
“The bark on the trees was as soft as the skies.”
While the wolf waits below, hungry and lonely;
Crying to the moon,
“If only, if only…”


-Holes










This poem describes my mood perfectly.


If only you knew...

away

I really want to write a song, but I can't seem to put all this stuff in my head into words.

what I really need is a long vacation somewhere far away.
I really want to visit Ireland.

but I wouldn't be able to leave my friends
they keep me sane
even if everthing if confusing and complicated and stupid when I'm here.

most of it is my fault.

I make myself crazy and paranoid with all the excuses...and wishes....and plans...and hopes.... 
I come up with.

what I really want is just to sit in one place, without anything to worry or think about for a really long time.

but that's not going to happen
especially not now.