some explanation

I just realized that I never finished the Ryan Story. 
So now I'm going to. Because I've had some inspiration recently. 
And I feel like I need to get all of this out so I can move on.

I have this issue.

Well, it's actually not an issue to me, but everyone and their mother keeps trying to convince me it is. Like there's something wrong with me.

Being an introvert is not a medical disorder. It's just me.

I don't make friends easily, so when I do, it means something.

I'm a very solitary person. I don't need to have someone to talk to 24/7. I don't need a network of hundreds of friends to feel popular.

I guess Emily-chan said it best in her recent post:

"I like people. Sometimes. I like talking and laughing and having a good time, but when push comes to shove, I'm always a little relieved when I'm able to be alone again.

As with anything, there are exceptions to my rule. A few people over the years have been able to connect with me in a wow, that clicks way, but they're few and far between. People who I wouldn't mind hanging out with all the time. Unfortunately, I can count all of them on one hand and everyone else just seems to fall into a category of 'I really can't be bothered keeping this friendship up'.


And so I pull back. Because it's just easier that way. I don't need people to define me, I don't need people to entertain me, I don't need people to make me happy."

I'm not trying to sound like a loner, or a hermit, or whatever you want to call me. That's just how I am. When I meet someone, it takes me a while to trust them. If I come to find that an impossibility, I go back to polite nods from across the room. I don't need excess drama in my life.

So, a boy named Ryan and his family moves to town. We become friends. He starts to like me.

We're friends, and he's trying to make things complicated. I know this can't end well. I don't like him that way....Nevertheless, I stupidly agreed to date the boy who (for some strange reason) likes me. I just figured "he's my friend, what can it hurt?" I admit, there also may have been a bit of "let's get this first boyfriend thing out of the way" in there too.

I made it all of eleven days before I couldn't take it anymore. I just couldn't let myself mess with his feelings like that, like I was leading him along or something. I can't hurt a friend that way.

This dating thing happened two years ago, but he still likes me, I know he does, even if I don't understand why. I was too much of a coward to even dump him to his face, so I did it by Facebook, but I told him that we could still be friends. Which, as it turns out, is extremely difficult.

When my birthday rolled around last week, I stupidly decided to have some sort of party because 'I only turn 18 once', yeah? I should have known what would happen. 

Out of the ten people I invited (it was surprisingly difficult to scrape together that many people I could stand to be around for more than five minutes), two showed up. One of which was Ryan. 

You may be wondering "why did you even invite him?" Well, I'll tell you. 'He's my friend'. That's what I kept trying to convince myself. That we could be friends. 

The whole time he was being...difficult. Lots of (failing to be) inconspicuous flirting and all of that crap. When I was trying to win something from a claw machine in the arcade, he said "I got you a stuffed Elmo from one of these, remember?" Yeah. Thanks for the reminder. I think he's currently shoved underneath my bed.

He made it extremely awkward and I could tell Rachel (one of my few really good friends) felt bad for me.

After Rachel left, me and Ryan walked to the parking lot together. When we got outside, he said "Well, I'll see you later" with a smirk in his voice as he sauntered over to his moped, trying to look cool.

"Goodbye, Ryan" I called over my shoulder, not looking back as I got into my car, slammed the door and sped out of there. And I meant it. That was goodbye. I can't pretend that we can be "just" friends anymore when he is determined not to let that happen.

So we won't be friends. He'll just be another person I walk by without really seeing. I don't need any friendship bad enough to make myself miserable.

at last I am born

"I once used to chase affection withdrawn

But now I just sit back and yawn 
Because I am born..."


It feels good. Not dwelling on him anymore.
I still like him, of course. That probably won't go away for a while...
But he's my friend, and I'm happy if he's happy.

"I once thought that time accentuates despair
But now I don’t actually care
Because I am born..."

The longer everything went on, the worse it seemed to get.
But it was all in my head. It's crazy how you can trick yourself into being miserable.
Being happy is easier.

"I once thought I had numerous reasons to cry
And I did, but I don’t anymore

Because I am born..."

I'm not going to let stupid things ruin my life.

I'm moving on, moving forward. 

Honestly, I haven't felt this good in ages.

"It took me a long, long time
But now I am born
I once was a mess of guilt because of the flesh
It’s remarkable what you can learn
Once you are born"

Look at me now.

No more looking back.

I’ll be fine.

"At Last I Am Born" by Morrisey

mid-year resolutions

Well, I turned 18 yesterday.


And while I was wasting the day away on movies, ice cream, and such, I realized how much fun it was to actually be doing something for once. I've been couped-up in my house for far too long.


As I was driving around, eating popcorn, and laughing at all of the crazy stuff in the local oriental store, I started to feel more like myself again. And it was nice.


Seventeen was a ridiculous year for me. Lots of ups, but a whole crapload of downs to go with it.
I've had a blast with my last seasons of marching band and drumline, I've lost friends through stupid misunderstandings, I've graduated from high school with a college degree, and I've suffered through what I'm pretty sure was atypical depression.
For the last few months, I've been alternating between my extreme hate of the world and my extreme hate of myself.


And I'm tired of it. Yesterday was the first time that everything seemed okay again. I wasn't worrying about college or what I'll do after I graduate, I wasn't worrying about getting a job and finally moving out, I wasn't worrying about anything.


I just was.


So for now, I'm resolving to start over. From today forward, I won't be the person that's taken over my life for so long. I'm going to enjoy living, because so many people don't get to. So many people die before they've ever really lived, so why should I waste the time I've been given?
I won't forget about the bad things that have happened in my life, but I'm learning to accept them and move on. If I can't change it, why worry about it?


When I start school in three weeks, I'll be better than I've been. I'll be happier, I'll meet new people and try new things, and just live . 
Seventeen can go shrivel up in a corner and die for all I care.

Eighteen's going to be great. Because I said so.

falling

"Another silly, meaningless earth saying involves the assertion that people can “fall” into love. The difficulty here is that falling implies something inevitable, something outside the conscious control of those involved. This comparison simply does not apply. There has never been a case where someone was forced into the condition of love. Forced into a relationship, perhaps, that may have resulted in amorous feelings, but never forced into the emotion itself. You can push someone off a cliff, but you can’t really push them into a willing embrace with another person. I mean, the willing part sort of negates all that in the first place, doesn’t it?

Will.

Humans tend to prattle on about free will, especially with regard to people using it to go against societal norms. As if that’s a bad thing. As if societal norms, morals, what have you, aren’t just stupid human created concepts in the first place. Really, it’s a very Earth-centric view; not at all politically correct. It’s the nature of time and the universe and multiple universe theory and Schrödinger kittens and, well, everything that was and everything that ever will be, to have options. Options are something you get a feeling for if you can see all the different possibilities spiralling outward in a giant, chaotic pinwheel of potentiality from every moment of existence. And options, of course, imply choices.


Look, if you’ve got three-quarters of an hour for lunch and you’re in the middle of London, circa early twenty-first century, and you’ve got a tenner in your pocket and there’s a fish and chips shop right across from a pub, and yeah, you like chips, but you could really go for a ploughman’s, but maybe that’ll take too long and you’ll be late getting back to your cramped little cubicle, though you’d really rather be just about anywhere else, but you’ve got to make a decision fast or you’ll have wasted too much time and the choice will have been made for you, which really means that you’ve made a choice anyways, and…oh, hang it. The point is, every moment there’s a choice. Every moment, there’s a distinct possibility that where your life was headed to when you dragged your sorry frame out of bed that morning is nowhere near where it’s going to end up that evening when you lay down to sleep. Maybe, it’s as simple as choosing chips over a ploughman’s, and maybe you get run over by a reckless lorry driver on your way across the street. Choices. Possibilities. Options. Free will.


There’s nothing accidental or inevitable about it. You can jump off that cliff. You can tarry too long near the edge (even though you know it’s dangerous) until the darn thing collapses beneath you. You can let go the stranglehold you have on the edge because you’re just too tired to hold yourself up anymore. But you don’t just fall off..."


-Becky (aka ZephyrHawk) at http://www.whofic.com/

summertime, and the living is lousy

I've decided that this has been my worst summer yet.


The few friends I have are out living their lives- partying or vacationing all the time. And here I sit, in the same place as every other night, wishing my life was different.

I sleep, I read, I listen to music, I watch Doctor Who.

All some of my favorite activities.

But they are definitely not as enjoyable when you're aware that this is basically the only option you have for entertainment.

Being cooped up with my family 24 hours a day is driving me crazy. I miss seeing people everyday.
I miss him. But I have no right to.

When did my life get completely off track?

" Tonight is the one thing left
and I haven't said it yet, I'm falling.
And the writing's on the wall.

Today was misery
and I just can't believe this happened.
I finally broke down...
Now my only star is falling
Its burning to the ground.

Secret love, my escape,
take me far, far away.
Secret love, are you there?
Will you answer my prayer?
Please take me anywhere but here...
Anywhere but here.

You're all I've got right now.
No one else figures out this feeling
and how lonely it can get.
These words can cut right through,
cause all along I knew you were sorry,
but you haven't said it yet. "


-Anywhere but Here (Mayday Parade)