failure

I am a complete and total idiot.

I should have waited to say anything.

I should have thought things through more.

I should have just left things alone, maybe none of this would have happened...


but whats the point in life if you don't take risks?
I guess we can say that this experiment into the world of being completely honest was the opposite of helpful.

some things are just not meant to work.

the stars above

it's summer, which means any posts I actually get around to putting up will be very few and far between.






You've made it crystal clear
you are the chandelier
and I am the floor beneath you
so low i cannot reach you

You are the constellations
you are the stars above
lightyears away from being
something that I could touch

I, I, I've 
been bli-i-inded 
by your glow
Cuz it shines like oh, oh, oh

You were sent from heaven to save me
from my wicked ways
and all the loneliest nights, turn into reasons to stay

  and I can ho-o-ope, that soon you'll know oh oh
why I leave all the lights on, cuz it's dark when you're gone

You are the morning light
cast over open eyes
into the heart that found you
now it won't beat without you

And every headlight bleeds
a trail of memories
a flashback in the night
like halos in your eyes

I, I, I 
can't fi-i-ind my way alone
Cuz you shine like oh, oh, oh

I lost sight, of the compass in my mind
I lost my way, tangled up inside
Now all my dreams are hanging from a wire
and it's crystal clear, you are the chandelier

if only I had headphones that worked right now...

The Music Lover Award from Allie at Sir, There's a Monster in my Sombrero

rules:

a. List your top 10 favorite songs on your iPod:
this is tough. my favorites change all the time....
so, here they are for today, in no particular order:


1. The Only Exception by Paramore
2. Viva la Vida by Coldplay
3. Breath and The Diary of Jane (can't decide which I like better) by Breaking Benjamin
4. Keep Holding On by Avril Lavigne
5. Leave Out All the Rest by Linkin Park
6. The Sun and The Moon by Mae
7. Say Anything (Else) by Cartel
8. The Places You Have Come to Fear the Most by Dashboard Confessional
9. Hello by Evanescence
10. Alphabetic File by Hotspur


and many more.

 b. State what color your iPod is: greeeeeeeeeen


c. Give this award to 11 music loving bloggers:

I only picked 8 for now. if I find more, I will post about them too.


-Nova at Conquest
-Lovesick Fool at Voices of the Heartbroken
-Heather at Inspiration
-Cody at Discombobulated Melancholy
-xxLover at Ardent Zeals
-Katieleigh at Goodbye Animosity
-Hope Chella at Hope Chella
-Kristen at Keep Calm and Eat a Cupcake

update: and Kevin at The Pursuit since he whined that I forgot him :)

The Ryan Story (part 3)

part 1

part 2

part 3: Eleven Days

The day after we went bowling..its a Sunday

its after 9, the phone rings. we have caller ID, but it doesn't recognize his phone number.

I answer the phone, ready to hang up at the first sign of a telemarketer or prank call.

hello?

hi, may I speak to Ireland?

it's me.

oh, hey! it's Ryan.

meanwhile, I'm wondering how the heck he got my phone number.
I run upstairs so my parents can't hear me on the phone.

what's up?

nothing. I was just calling to say "hi".

this is where my common sense kicks in and says
"he's lying. no one ever calls just to say 'hi'" and when I get really confused and curious. what could he possibly want at 9pm?

one hour and several awkward silences later, my sister comes upstairs and sees me sitting with the phone, silently.
you're still on the phone?!

I ask her what she wants, and she just says "Is it Ryan?"
I nod. She holds her hand out for the phone.

I hand it to her, wondering what the heck she could possibly want to talk to him about.

later I found out that she had been talking to him for a few weeks via Facebook, trying to convince him to call me and ask me out -- that traitor gave him our number.

she tells me to go downstairs while she talks to him, which has me very worried and even more confused. when she finally calls me back upstairs, she hands me the phone silently and leaves the room.

what was that about? I ask him.

nothing. liar.

eventually he tries a circuituous route to the subject he wants to talk about. apparently he's been stalking my facebook profile...

I still find it hard to believe that you've never had a boyfriend.

I don't.

why not? what's not to like? what the heck? a lot -- that's what's not to like.

I don't know, I just don't really think about this stuff much. liar. what am I talking about?

well....would you consider...dating a guy like me? well there it is, Ireland. you asked for it.

but the way he says it- "a guy like me" what does that mean?
looking back, my caught-off-guard-and-therefore-completely-honest reply was: I guess.

does that not scream of excitement?

cool.

2 hours later I finally hang up. and no, we weren't talking that long. most of it was more long silences. I'm very anti-social and in fact hate talking on the phone.
and he apparently had nothing to say either.

this is starting off on a wonderful note.
not.

-to be continued-

expectations

my first year of college classes is over, and I find myself facing the fact that one year from now, I will be graduating from high school (with a high school diploma and my associate's degree) and making all kinds of important decisions...

what college to go to, where to live- home or in the dorms? or out of state? and what to major in

I'm still coming to terms with the jolt into the real world that I will be getting. I don't know if I will be able to handle living on my own; paying rent, taxes, and bills; getting myself up every morning and off to classes / work...

so much responsibility and pressure.

I haven't even gotten a car yet, how will I handle driving around a new town?

If I let myself really think about all the stuff I will have to deal with, I freak out. I've tried very hard to live in the moment recently, and not think about the future at all. that's probably irresponsible, but at this point, I don't really care.

one of my biggest problems is that I don't really feel like giving up being a kid yet. Yes, I'm sixteen, and most people assume that once you're a teenager, its time for more responsibility and starting to act like an adult; but I don't want to.

It seems silly for me to "not want to grow up", most people don't worry about that until they're in their 60s and wishing they could go back in time.... but I still do.

I've always had a lot of pressure to do good in school and be a "good kid", and I guess I've done my best. no one's perfect, and we all have regrets.
the sad thing is that sometimes I find myself wishing I had taken more risks.

I never broke a bone or had any serious injuries when I was younger, I never had some major adventure that I got caught for later, saying "it was worth it"- things that are almost a rite of passage for kids. I never got those experiences. I feel like I'm not ready to act like an adult, I haven't gotten all the immaturity out of my system yet.

luckily for me, I still have another year to worry about it.

and trust me, I will.