featureless bliss

"If God reached down and touched man on the forehead and made him perfect, what would life on earth be like? No sadness, so no joy. No tears, no smiles. No pain, no relief. No bondage, no freedom. No failure, no triumph. No rudeness, no courtesy. No bigotry, no tolerance. No despair, no exultation. No sin and certainly no redemption. It would simply create a paradise of featureless bliss here on earth, which would make His heavenly kingdom somewhat redundant. And that is not the point of it all. So, man must have his choice, until God calls him home."


- Frederick Forsyth
adapted from a passage in The Phantom of Manhattan

better than I was

"I keep going around in circles.

This is complicated…

Hopes and dreams don’t get you anywhere

I’m still stuck in this hole

Never thought I would end up like this

Knowing only makes it worse

I’m waiting, but things might never change

Maybe this is just a faze…

Guilt.  I’m only making this worse

One by one the days go by…

I sometimes wish I could forget

Nothing is getting easier

Glowing embers of what I hoped slowly flicker out

Chances are that I’ll be the odd one out

Random “hi”s and half smiles make me feel worse

Am I the one to blame?

Zero. I’m still nothing.

You are running through my head…again."

(I wrote this in september last year...it's amazing how a few months can completely change your perspective.)

friends?

The last few days have been nice.


I got to hang out with two of my favorite people in the world for a whole afternoon, and it was lovely. Possibly one of the best days ever.


We watched an old Disney classic, ate some fantastic enchiladas, and you helped me build the theme park from hell to trap all of our unsuspecting guests in that awesome game.


We talked and laughed, you offered to get my drink for me at dinner, and everything went great (I have to send a big thank-you to your sister for being awesome and letting me hang out with you for a while).


I haven't gotten to see you much at school, but I expected that. But it's good to know that whenever I pass you in the hall you'll always smile. It may seem like a small gesture, but its nice.


We had a lovely five-minute conversation via Facebook today about nothing really, but it's cool just to be able to talk to you without any weirdness.


Let's hope this lasts.

still here

Do you realize you’ve turned my world around?

Nothing is how it once was.

Every time I think about the way things could be

It gets me wishing, hoping, screaming…but I never win.

I’ve been here for far too long, 

thinking I would get what I’ve been dreaming…

There’s nothing I can say or do,

I want to give up, but I can’t get over you.

I’ll never fix myself.

I’m a mess, but I just don't care.

I used to be better than this…

being mature

turns out, I'm not so good at it.


I decided years ago that I wasn't going to prom unless he someone asked me.
sure, I could go with a group of my friends, who needs a date?


but I didn't really want to go at all.


but if some guy was crazy enough to ask me, I would go.


He didn't ask me. No one asked me.


I expected it.
I'm not disappointed.
I didn't want to go.


When I heard that he had asked her to go with him, I accepted it.


They're just going as friends.


He's known her longer than me.


He probably knew going to prom wasn't high on my list of priorities.


Regardless of the reason, I had accepted it. I was going to be mature about this.
Heck, she's my friend, too. I knew there was nothing going on with them.


When it started to rain that day, I laughed.


"All those kids out there trying to get pictures and get to prom without getting wet. Ha. I'm so glad I'm not going."


Anything to make me feel better.


I don't regret missing prom, but I know I'll regret not getting to go with you. 


Maybe I should have asked him....


But After Prom was fun. Weird, ridiculous, pointless, yes. But fun anyway.


When I passed you two in the hall together, I put on my good-friend face and said "hey guys!" and just kept walking. Mature. I'm being mature about this.


Everything was fine.


I got home last night this morning exhausted, and when I woke we had some family bonding over Wii gaming. Everything is fine.


Facebook. Every teen's lifeline. I thought I was braced for the onslaught of obnoxious prom-related statuses and pictures flooding my news feed.


But as I was aimlessly flipping through pictures of my friends in fancy tuxes and ridiculously poofy dresses....


...there it was. A picture that shouldn't bother me so much, but it does.


You and her, slow-dancing. A complete harmless activity between two friends.


But seeing your arms wrapped around her....I'm not mature enough for that.


I don't know how much longer I can take this.


Maybe I just need to grow up.


edit:
Good thing I have such amazing friends to make me feel better...